now i get it.
because relationships are not always fun and joyful. sometimes, you will be caught off guard and things suddenly go out of hand that you cannot afford to smile anymore not because you don't want to but because you must not. there are times that both of you have to pause, step back, look at the bigger picture, and analyze the whole situation. because sometimes, you have to be a few steps away from each other to be closer together. and on that moment, when you are looking at your relationship at a different angle, minus the glitter and gold, minus the cheesy music and funny faces, minus the flying butterflies and colorful rainbows, you might be surprised with what's left. sometimes, even if things look pretty and ideal on the outside, there might be a big mess lying underneath the surface, weakening the core like a termite slowly eating the insides of a wooden foundation.
and that's where the ugly part starts. you both start blurting out questions, shouting at one another or whispering to yourselves. fingers are pointed and harsh words (and sometimes, random things like ash trays or mobile phones) are thrown in the air, yet you try to dodge them as you wash you hands clean. the blame game begins. the tension ignites a spark. emotions start to fire up. and it goes on and on and on until you both stop, exhausted and hurt, when you realize that you don't even know what you're fighting about or, worse, what you're fighting for.
silence follows. long and loud silence. dragging. deafening. disturbing. tiring. you both blankly look at different directions, breathing heavily and uncomfortably, as you start questioning and doubting everything and nothing about you, him, and you and him. and then you ask yourself... i love him, but is this still worth it?
now i get it.
because love is an emotion. it makes you smile from ear to ear, float in the air, or pee in your pants. yet it also makes you cry under the rain, scream like a warrior, or shiver like a little girl who sees a ghost. it tickles you. it entices you. it teases you. it scares you. it's an exciting and thrilling roller coaster of feelings. and when you feel that you love someone, then you go on a relationship. because a relationship is about love. and love is an emotion.
people say that a good relationship is all about that feeling of happiness, contentment, and completeness. and if that feeling is gone, it's the end of the line. if you feel unhappy, un-contented, and incomplete, it's time to leave and let go. or is it? there are times that you would just like to wave the white flag and give up. it may be hard, it will be hard, but it must be done. when things seem to already fall apart, it might be best, it will be best, to walk away and part ways. it's for the better, they say, for both of you. but then, just the simple thought of losing him...i just can't. and i won't. because i can't. because i love him.
now i get it.
because love is a decision. it is a commitment filled with tasks that you need to accomplish. it trains you to do a lot of things that you never thought you can do. it makes you think of situations, analyze pros and cons, and come up with feasible solutions. it pushes you out of your comfort zone until you're already comfortable with it. it puts you to a never-ending cycle of assessment, adjustments, and applications. it is like a job contract, bound with terms and conditions, that requires you to be effective, efficient, alert, and reliable yet not boring and insensitive. it prides you with achievements, yet it crushes your pride when you do something wrong. and when you think you have everything under control, it challenges you further more. and then you improve and you grow. and it all starts and ends when you decide to go on a relationship with someone. because a relationship is about love. and love is a decision.
admitting that there is something wrong in a relationship is never easy. once agreed , you then start to identify what these mistakes are. and the worse part is accepting that you did these mistakes, whether you intended it or not. it's like a bitter pill that you need to swallow. it may be hard, it will be hard, but it must be done. and then you strategize, plan your course of action, and hope that things will be better. maybe that's the reason why people use the term "make it work" when talking about relationships... it does feel like one. sometimes you may just want to quit. but then, just the simple thought of losing him...i just can't. and i won't. because i can't. because i love him.
now i get it.
because a relationship is about love. and love is an emotion. and love is a decision. they are always together. when you feel that the excitement is gone, you decide on what to do. and once a decision is made, things start to get exciting.