25 September 2011

Isla

"uy, kumusta na?"
"ok naman. sobrang busy sa mga reports."
"ouch! ok lang yan! ibig sabihin nyan, malaki na ang sweldo mo! hee hee!"
"bakit ka napamessage?"
"wala lang, nangungumusta lang naman."
"ok."

ayus lang sana na ganun yung flow ng conversation... kung hindi ang best friend ko sa dati kong office ang kausap ko... si Sam! (kamukha nya kasi si Sam Oh, and... yup, babae sya!)

nung nagwowork pa ako, hindi kami mapaghiwalay. kahit magkaiba kami ng grupo, madalas eh magkasama kami pag break. at pagkatapos ng shift, tatambay lang kami sa harapan ng office, magpapakalunod sa iced tea, at magkukwentuhan lang sa kung anong nangyayari sa mga buhay namin inside and outside the office (as if hindi namin pinagkukwentuhan yun during break hours). tapos pag weekend, magkatext pa rin kami, nagkukumustahan about how she spends the weekend with her hubbie and daughter, and how i spend my weekend just having a good time. tapos magkikita kami ng monday to talk about, again, our weekend. routinary, pero hindi nakakasawa. ang sarap ng pakiramdam na merong at least isang tao who you can talk to about almost everything.

but after i resigned, parang lahat yung eh nawala. hindi lang si Sam. nawala rin yung closeness ko with my team mates, yung mga ka-wave ko. nawala rin yung mga usapang walang saysay with people na naging ka-close ko na sa opisina. lahat nawala... kasabay ng pagkawala ng trabaho ko.

tama nga siguro yung sinabi ng isang kakilala ko dati... kahit anong gawin mo, at kahit anong pilit pa, ang kaibigang sa trabaho mo nakilala eh magiging kaibigan mo lang hangga't nasa trabaho ka. pagkatapos nun, wala na. pero, how does this apply to my line of job? hindi ko alam.

ilang opisina na ang napasukan ko... at ilang "best friends" na rin ang nagkaroon ako sa mga opisinang iyon. pero nasaan na sila ngayon... wala na. baka may kanya-kanya nang best friend.

well, nandyan pa rin naman si Kulot. pero, just like everyone else, he also has a life to live. and, unfortunately, his is full-packed! demanding work schedule. time with boyfriend. saturdays at school. weekends with family. it's more than a month na since nagkita kami, and almost 3 weeks na since the last time we texted.

hindi ko rin naman makausap ng maayos ang mga barkada ko nung high school. just like Kulot, they have their own lives to live. one just passed the board exam and is preparing her residency, while the other is very occupied with her work as a medical technologist.

kanina, lumabas lahat ng housemates ko, magkakasama. punta sila ng mall, then magsisimba, then dinner together... and no one asked me to join. well, besides, di rin naman ako makakasama kasi short ang budget ko.

mahigit dalawang libo ang friends ko sa facebook, at sa ngayon, dalawangdaan sa kanila ang online... pero wala man lang ako mai-click na kahit isa para makausap, kasi alam kong wala rin naman magiging saysay yung conversation.

and then, hoping that i can get at least a little bit of comfort from another friend, i texted him. and i got a very sincere reply... "hu u?"

sa mga ganitong panahon na natutuliro ka na sa buhay mo, parang things are going in the wrong places, mas kailangan ko ng kaibigan. yung taong makakausap mo, or kahit makinig lang sayo sa lahat ng frustrations mo about what's happening. an advice from them is not necessary, but knowing that someone is willing to listen to you as you vent out is a better comfort that having no one at all. yun lang naman ang hinihiling ko eh... mahirap ba talaga yun?

sabi ng iba... "aysus! emo ka na naman!" ang tanong ko naman, may masama ba sa pagiging emosyonal? may masama ba sa paghahanap ng belongingness na parang ang tagal ko nang hindi naramdaman? masama bang maghanap ng kaibigan? ang masakit pa dito, bakit pag sila naman ang nangailangan ng karamay eh nandyan ka, pero pag ikaw ang nangangailangan eh hindi sila mahagilap?

dati, naisip ko na kailangan masanay akong mabuhay mag-isa dahil hindi naman ako magkakaasawa at magkakaanak. pero hindi ko naman naisip na by saying that, eh kailangang wala rin akong kaibigan.

no man is an island... yan ang sabi nila... pero hindi ko maramdaman. hindi naman kasi ako parang Spratlys na pinag-aagawan ng dalawang bansa. sa bagay, sa Spratlys naman kasi, maraming langis... source of income. eh sa akin, ano bang mahihita? i'm a jobless guy, not to mention 3 weeks with no clients. i'm empty. and kapag wala nang laman ang pakete ng chichirya, ano bang ginagawa? itinatapon! i guess i'm just going to be trashed island for quite a long time... until i find someone who believes in the concept of recycling, or someone who believes na may pera sa basura.

18 comments:

  1. wag mo isipin na ikaw ay isang basura. meron ka pa din halaga you just need to look for your value and importance :)

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  2. Problema ko rin yan these days :-| yung feeling mo na mag-isa ka at walang karamay sa mga problema mo.

    Pero malalampasan mo rin yan. Ako rin malalampasan ko rin itong mga problema ko :-)

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  3. i recently had reunion with friends who i haven't seen for 20 yrs and it seems that nothing has change.
    nakatira ako ngayon sa bahay ng kaibigan ko for almost 2 years already at pinalista nya pa akong "guardian" ng anak nya sa school. client ko sya dati. dati di ko naman sya tinuring na kaibigan at di ko rin naramdaman naramdaman na kaibigan ang tingin nya sakin. purely Client-*** relationship lang. ngayon, i am like a family member to her and she to me.

    call me if you need someone to talk to or a listener. who knows...

    erik

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  4. I agree with your thoughts there about colleagues... well, not all but I have experienced such as well.

    And I know, it is easier said than done and it is even harder to be felt but believe... miracles are given to those who believe ☺

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  5. very well said! shoot sa jar. but don't despair. you have friends. you just havent met them yet. stick around and you will see kung sino ba sa kanila ang matitira.

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  6. Nalungkot naman ako sa post na ito.

    Hindi ka basura. Yun lang ang masasabi ko.

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  7. awtz.. kasad nmn.. wag k n mxdo malungkot.. twagan kita later.. hehehe

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  8. cheer up kenneteh!

    :D nararamdaman ko din ang nararamdaman mo... :(

    ROb

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  9. hmmm.. oo nga.. nasaan sila kung kailangan mo sila.. ang dami nating kaibigan pero sa pangalan lang. no one takes the time to read the job description of a friend these days.. isang lcik lang sa mouse friends na agad.. sometimes social networking has not made the world smaller, it has given us each worlds of our own.. making us all farther apart... ahai. cnt help but feel your pain too tol.

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  10. I love you kennette...

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  11. I got sad because of this post. Very heartfelt. I have been wanting to meet you. Kaya lang medyo mahal pa for me ang fee.. but either way parang you need a friend these days and I am a willing listener. Been told that I am a good friend din.

    You are not a basura. You are a precious human being. You seem to be putting yourself down.

    I will email you. Take care.

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  12. Maybe it's time to reflect more and think of the future rather than now.
    I'm never gonna be a client, but I'm open to having a conversation w/ u even at siomai stands or bananakyu stalls:) Let me know.

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  13. KALUNKOT...!

    Life is like a wheel talaga. Sometimes your up and sometimes the other way around.

    But remember this "Negativity is the ridiculous twin of positivity" and they do attracts together and we have to accept it... which i don't really like.
    Everything is balanced in every way anyway.

    AND THIS IS THE REASON WHY I HATE HUMAN EMOTIONS!

    So don't overlook on the good side or maybe you can't see it yet but surely you'll notice it.
    Just extend your patience. TC

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  14. Lilipas din yan.
    Di kaya you maintain distance in order not to create lasting friendships dahil sa line of work mo?
    Not all the time friends will be around you so it's ok to have an imaginary friend. Come to think of it, when you do not see your friends, they are actually doing something worthwhile for themselves.

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  15. Don't choose Spratleys. Aanhin mo ang langis, kung wala namang masyadong tao doon? Ewww, oily skin, istatchu? If you're going to be an island, choose Boracay or f**king Ibiza! =)

    Seriously, with friendships it takes two to tango. Kelangan mo rin mag-effort. If you really don't take time to keep in touch with friends from your former workplace, eh talagang magkakaroon ng distance.

    (Only certain kinds of really long-time friends can stand the "time and distance test." Yun yung tipong months kayong di nagkikita, pero pag magkita, parang kahapon lang huli kayong nagsama. Those are rare. I'm blessed to have around 3 of them.)

    So choose your friends wisely. Keep making friends, but always be on the lookout for the quality ones. And when you choose, you also do your part.

    (Notice how I didn't even dwell on your financial situation? It does affect your relationships, but is ultimately something that can easily be transcended. Besides, nagagawan din ng paraan ang pera.)

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  16. they say that the best friend you could have in this world is yourself. How does that work well listen to your inner wisdom. With your talent and many stories to share i think you will have more friends to come. you just have to learn how to choose them.... jay-ar26

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  17. Totoo naman lahat 'yan. Iba ang co-worker na kaibigan (acquaintance lang talaga ang tawag dyan)sa true blue na kaibigan ("Through the years!-kantahin mo 'yan.).

    Sa kaso mo mahirap talaga kasi nga pinili mo na 'yan.Ang daming nawalang benefits(medicare,SSS benefits, housing benefits,educational benefits,etc.)sa 'yo. You still have friends, I know but you need to have a stable job. Bata ka pa naman. 'Pag stable job mo,less ang insecurities and you have more dignity for work.Ikaw na rin ang nagsabi sa level ng work mo ngayon.I can feel what you are having at the moment. Hey,matalino ka kaya alam mo na ang sinasabi ko. Have a stable job and you can always moonlight. Payong kaibigan ito.-Jun

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  18. ulitin ko lang post ko dati

    I admire your resilience.

    Hindi naman siguro ako nagkamali na isiping meron ka nun.

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