Never Been To Me

i was chatting with an online friend thru ym, and hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero bigla na lang kami napunta sa usapan tungkol sa "inconsistencies" ng blog ko.

me: that's how i blog. ginugulo ko ang utak ng tao. hanggang dumating sa time na kasing-gulo na ng utak ko ang mga utak nila. tapos mapapaisip sila... "eto bang taong ito eh may confidence issues, o sukdulan ang confidence?" hahaha!
friend: sukdulan! hahaha! pero minsan nadadapa.
me: which means na marami akong issues sa sarili ko. just like everyone else.
friend: tama
me: people always claim that they know themselves so much. yung tipong if they tell people who they are, certain sila na ganito sila at ganun sila. and yet, when unexpected things occur, mas aligaga pa sila sa mga taong naghahanap kay Elisa.
friend: well, i've never been to me.
me: haha! oo nga! ngayon ko lang totally naintindihan yung kantang yan
friend: ako naman, hindi ko makakanta yang kantang yan
me: ngek? bakit naman! sobrang relatable nga yung lyrics eh.
friend: eh i've never been to georgia or california naman eh!
me: hahahaha! oo nga naman... sige, palitan ko yung lyrics.

and then, eto na... umandar na naman ang kalokohang utak ni BoyShiatsu.

Oh, I've been to Wensha and Divisoria and anywhere I could run
I took the hand of a virgin man and we made love in the sand
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me

dun ko naisipang basahin ang buong lyrics ng kanta habang pinapakinggan ko sya... and... shit...

isa sa mga sobrang ka-close kong kaibigan eh nangarap na maging pokpok like me. naiinggit daw kasi sya sa lifestyle ko. yung tipong hindi ko masyadong pinoproblema ang pera dahil madali ko sya magagawan ng paraan. yung tipong nabibili ko halos lahat ng gusto ko ng hindi ako tied up sa oras. estudyante pa lang ang kaibigan kong ito, kaya hindi nya pa afford ang magkaroon ng eight-to-five job. sinabihan ko naman syang mag-crew sa fastfood since tumatanggap sila ng part time, pero ayaw nya, at hindi ko alam kung bakit.

kung tutuusin, i could have easily helped him find clients and start living the same life as mine... pero napaisip ako... is it even worth it?

itago na lang natin sya sa pangalang... um... Barney?

Hey Barney, you Barney, cursing at your life
You're a discontented student and a regimented bi
I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you.....

minsan, naisip ko... paano nga kaya kung may nakausap din ako bago ko ginawa ang desisyon na maging pokpok? hindi naman sa pinagsisisihan ko ang naging desisyon ko, pero paano nga kaya kung ibang daan yung natahak ko? paano nga kaya kung ang napili kong gawin is, kagaya ng madalas sabihin ng iba, yung "mas matinong" daan?

Please Barney, please Barney, don't just walk away
'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived million lies....

nung bata bata pa ako, and actually kahit hanggang ngayon naman, napakarami kong pangarap. ang dami kong gustong maabot. hindi lang para sa akin, kundi para sa pamilya ko rin. pero, ewan ko ba. parang naglaro yata talaga ang tadhana at ako ang naging main character nya sa dota. ang problema, hindi sya marunong maglaro ng dota! ang ending... experiment. i don't want to point my fingers on those incidents, though, kasi alam ko na majority of my life is based on my decisions. but... anyway... nangyari na ang nangyari. and the thing i can do is at least help a friend and inform him na mag-isip twice, thrice, or even fries, before making a decision.

Oh, I've been to Bliss (pasig) and bandang Libis while I've sipped red horse with paraks
I've "grooved" like Piolo in Monumento and showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by flings and I've been some "things" that a gay man ain't supposed to be
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me

ang dami kong na-experience na kakaiba when i started living the life of a masseur. nandyan yung makapunta sa kung saan-saan, makakilala ng kung sinu-sino, at makasubok ng kung anu-ano. nagkataon lang siguro na i'm adventurous and daring, and i love trying new things. did i enjoy those things? yes! yun actually ang problema... i enjoyed those things... kaya it's hard to let go.

Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete
But I took the sweet life, I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free
Hey lady......
I've been to paradise, (I've been to paradise)
But I've never been to me

masarap ang naging buhay ko simula ng naging pokpok ako. tama naman kasi si Barney... i had the taste of the lifestyle of the rich and the famous. okay, fine, exaggeration yun. pero nandun yung buhay na pwede mong kainin lahat ng gusto mo, mabibili mo kung ano man naisin mo, and you can go wherever you want to go. sweet life, ika nga. pero, just like what the line says... i never knew i'd be bitter from the sweet... sapul na sapul. and, of course, not to mention the lines "subtle whoring that costs too much to be free" at "unborn children" na talaga namang shoot na shoot din! ahahahahaha!

hindi ko naman pinagsisisihan yung napili kong desisyon na maging pokpok. minsan lang talaga, hindi maalis sa isip ko kung ano kaya ang posibleng nangyari sa akin kung ibang trabaho ang kinarir ko at mas binigyan ko ng priority yung sinasabi nilang "mas maayos na opportunities." and as for my friend Barney... alam kong he has a lot of potential. matalino syang bata. madiskarte. at lalo pa ngayon na nag-aaral sya, all i want to tell him is that maswerte sya dahil naipagpapatuloy nya ang pag-aaral nya. wag nyang gayahin ang kagaya ko na mas inisip ang ika nga eh "madaling paraan" dahil mas magiging maganda ang bunga nya kung mas paghihirapan nya ang pagkamit sa pangarap nya.

sa dami ng naranasan ko, mas nakilala ko ang sarili ko. all this time, akala ko kilalang-kilala ko na kung sino ako... but i guess...

i've been to paradise... but i've never been to me.