Now I Get It

now i get it.

because relationships are not always fun and joyful. sometimes, you will be caught off guard and things suddenly go out of hand that you cannot afford to smile anymore not because you don't want to but because you must not. there are times that both of you have to pause, step back, look at the bigger picture, and analyze the whole situation. because sometimes, you have to be a few steps away from each other to be closer together. and on that moment, when you are looking at your relationship at a different angle, minus the glitter and gold, minus the cheesy music and funny faces, minus the flying butterflies and colorful rainbows, you might be surprised with what's left. sometimes, even if things look pretty and ideal on the outside, there might be a big mess lying underneath the surface, weakening the core like a termite slowly eating the insides of a wooden foundation.

and that's where the ugly part starts. you both start blurting out questions, shouting at one another or whispering to yourselves. fingers are pointed and harsh words (and sometimes, random things like ash trays or mobile phones) are thrown in the air, yet you try to dodge them as you wash you hands clean. the blame game begins. the tension ignites a spark. emotions start to fire up. and it goes on and on and on until you both stop, exhausted and hurt, when you realize that you don't even know what you're fighting about or, worse, what you're fighting for.

silence follows. long and loud silence. dragging. deafening. disturbing. tiring. you both blankly look at different directions, breathing heavily and uncomfortably, as you start questioning and doubting everything and nothing about you, him, and you and him. and then you ask yourself... i love him, but is this still worth it?

now i get it.

because love is an emotion. it makes you smile from ear to ear, float in the air, or pee in your pants. yet it also makes you cry under the rain, scream like a warrior, or shiver like a little girl who sees a ghost. it tickles you. it entices you. it teases you. it scares you. it's an exciting and thrilling roller coaster of feelings. and when you feel that you love someone, then you go on a relationship. because a relationship is about love. and love is an emotion.

people say that a good relationship is all about that feeling of happiness, contentment, and completeness. and if that feeling is gone, it's the end of the line. if you feel unhappy, un-contented, and incomplete, it's time to leave and let go. or is it? there are times that you would just like to wave the white flag and give up. it may be hard, it will be hard, but it must be done. when things seem to already fall apart, it might be best, it will be best, to walk away and part ways. it's for the better, they say, for both of you. but then, just the simple thought of losing him...i just can't. and i won't. because i can't. because i love him.

now i get it.

because love is a decision. it is a commitment filled with tasks that you need to accomplish. it trains you to do a lot of things that you never thought you can do. it makes you think of situations, analyze pros and cons, and come up with feasible solutions. it pushes you out of your comfort zone until you're already comfortable with it. it puts you to a never-ending cycle of assessment, adjustments, and applications. it is like a job contract, bound with terms and conditions, that requires you to be effective, efficient, alert, and reliable yet not boring and insensitive. it prides you with achievements, yet it crushes your pride when you do something wrong. and when you think you have everything under control, it challenges you further more. and then you improve and you grow. and it all starts and ends when you decide to go on a relationship with someone. because a relationship is about love. and love is a decision.

admitting that there is something wrong in a relationship is never easy. once agreed , you then start to identify what these mistakes are. and the worse part is accepting that you did these mistakes, whether you intended it or not. it's like a bitter pill that you need to swallow.  it may be hard, it will be hard, but it must be done. and then you strategize, plan your course of action, and hope that things will be better. maybe that's the reason why people use the term "make it work" when talking about relationships... it does feel like one. sometimes you may just want to quit. but then, just the simple thought of losing him...i just can't. and i won't. because i can't. because i love him.

now i get it.

because a relationship is about love. and love is an emotion. and love is a decision. they are always together. when you feel that the excitement is gone, you decide on what to do. and once a decision is made, things start to get exciting.

And Yet/So, Here I Am Again

and yet, here i am again.
just when i have promised to myself that it's not gonna go this way anymore.
and yet, here i am again.
after all the efforts done and adjustments made to keep things the way i want it to be.
and yet, here i am again.

picking up the pieces scattered on the floor
cleaning the awful mess that i never saw coming
disappointingly talking to myself
going in circles and wondering

what have i done?
where did  things go wrong?
when will i ever manage?

and yet, here i am again.
left with many choices and no choice

oh well, i better start moving...



yan ang tumatakbo sa utak ko habang nakatingin sa paligid ng kwarto naming sobrang kalat. paulit-ulit na lang kasi eh. lilinisin, aayusin, ire-rearrange ang mga gamit, lalagyan ng kung anu-anong design ang pader, mag-se-set ng mga rules like "dito ang sabitan ng susi," "bawal magyosi sa computer table," at "ilagay sa ilalim ng kama ang sapatos pagkatapos hubarin". pagkatapos ng dibdibang pag-o-overhaul ng kwarto, bibili ng sisig at calamares at papartneran ito ng super lamig na softdrinks or juice para sa pananghalian. liligpitin ang pinagkainan, hihiga sa kama, at tititigan lang ang resulta ng buong umaga naming pagpapagod. mapapangiti dahil ang lakas na naman maka-page ng good housekeeping magazine ang kwarto, hanggang sa makatulog. pero magugulat na lang kami na pagkalipas ng ilang araw ay mukha na namang binagyo at dinaanan ng ipu-ipo ang love nest namin. alam mo yung tipong hindi man lang gradual. yung biglaan lang talaga. ganun. ayun.

naka-repeat mode. paulit-ulit. same old same old just like a never-ending merry-go-round. sabi nga ng Sugababes. round round baby round round. sabi naman ni Sarah Geronimo, ikot-ikot lang, ikot-ikot-ikot lang. tapos sabi ng Sheppard, say Geronimo, say Geronimo! but, nope, i'm not complaining. ang saya nga eh! ramdam na ramdam ko yung pagiging domesticated ko. daster at hair rollers na lang ang kulang, nanay na nanay na ang peg ko. and, surprisingly, i'm loving it! hahaha!

matagal-tagal na rin kaming live-in (wheeee!!! kinikilig ako everytime i say this word, hee hee!) ni Jack Frost. sa loob ng matagal-tagal na panahon na yun, ang daming nangyaring changes and developments sa sarili ko. yung inaakala kong ako na kilala ko, hindi pa pala. yung mga bagay na akala ko eh hindi ko kayang gawin, magagawa ko pala. mula sa pagiging gimikero, naging home bud ako. marunong pala akong mag-budget ng pera at oras. kaya ko palang magsalansan at mag-ayos ng damit sa cabinet depende sa kung ito ay pambahay, panlabas, o pangtrabaho, at depende pa yan kung madalas ba gamitin o hindi. pero hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin ako marunong magluto! darating din tayo d'yan. para saan pa't sobrang tinutukan at sinubaybayan ko ang Mastercher Australia kung di ko rin magagamit yung mga napanood ko diba? badtrip nga lang, talo si Reynold. ang pogi pa naman n'ya, hehehe...

pero di maiiwasan na sa kabila ng pagmamature kong ito (kung yun nga ang tamang word for that) ay may mga bagay-bagay rin akong namimiss. yung mga bagay na tipong pang Xerex Xaviera. may mga pagkakataon na iniisip ko na sana, pwede ko pa ulit gawin yung *insert an activity here* at tsaka yung *insert another activity here*. pero agad-agad ko ring mare-realize na hindi na pwede.

una, masyado na (yata) akong matanda para sa mga ganoong kalokohan. eto, honestly, hindi ko matanggap. ang sakit kaya sa pakiramdam kapag may kinakausap kang mas bata sa'yo, tapos kapag nagsimula ka nang magdadaldal ng tungkol sa family computer, pacman, super mario, piko, syato, tumbang preso, monkey monkey annabelle, ghost fighter, julio at julia, fushigi yuugi, sarah ang munting prinsesa, cedie, ang tv, sang linggo na po sila, 101.9 radio romance, campus radio 97.1 wlsfm, joe d mango, macarena, lick it, choo choo train, at ang hindi malilimutang magandang samahan ng cassette tape at mongol (kung gets mo to, astig ka!). isama na rin natin si Xerex Xaviera. basta yung kapag nagsimula ka nang magkwento ng pop culture, mapapatitig lang sila sayo at magtatanong... "ha? ano yan?" syet! ang sakit!

and pangalawa, syempre, is committed na rin ako. ang pangit nga naman kung magbubuhay binata at pakawala pa rin ako kahit na may ka-live-in na ako (wheeee!! kilig ulit!). ano na lang ang sasabihin ng mga tao diba? baka magulat na lang ako na bigla akong ipadakip isang araw, kaladkarin paakyat sa isang bundok, punitan ng damit, itali sa puno, at batuhin ng bato ng mga tao, mostly Republicans (hehehe...), habang sumisigaw ng "imoral ka, imoral ka!" hindi ko matatanggap yun. hindi ko matatanggap na pupunitin nila ang damit ko, ang hirap kaya plantsahin nun. wala naman akong issue na tawagin akong imoral. maliit na bagay.

kaya alam ko sa sarili ko na kahit gusto ko man gawin ulit ang mga bagay bagay na bad at bawal, hindi na rin pwede. tanggap ko yun, gusto ko yun actually. at kasama na dito ang pagiging masahista.

pero...

isang araw habang kumakain kami ni Jack Frost ng champorado (peborits namin to eh, yung nabibiling ready mix na, lalagyan mo lang ng tubig at asukal papakuluan mo na lang, presto! makes up to 5 bowls pa!) eh may nabanggit lang siya bigla.

JF: kailan last blog entry mo?
BS: um... february? bakit?
JF: bakit di ka magsulat ulit?
BS: hmmm... wala lang. tinatamad ako.
JF: magsulat ka. alam mo namang i'm your number one fan.
BS: ashushuss...
JF: oo nga. magsulat ka.
BS: sige na nga. mag-client, pwede ulit?
JF: bakit, kailan ba kita pinigilan?

napaka-supportive na asawa diba? hahahaha! and so, here i am again, blogging and writing. as for accepting clients... hmmm... mapag-uusapan yan! hahahaha!